For quite a long time, I struggled to determine whether my efforts or even myself, are worth it. But what does it mean for something to be worth it?
For the past two years, I have been immersed in English, not just the Grammar tests or English contests, but the actual English. I learned to understand English as a language and a passion that I set to traverse. I reflected on English with Vietnamese, with the basic understanding of a high school student, from the values that each culture withholds to the unique pronunciation of each language. It was my passion and will be my passion. But there comes a time when the passion is questioned: Is English worth it? Is English worth the efforts, passion, time, disappointment, and myself? The National English Competition gave me the answer. I failed. It was not worth it. I wasted efforts, passion, time, disappointment, and myself for an unfulfilled goal.
Am I worth it? After all those books and debates and clubs, am I worth the achievements or success? I was not.
I thought I saw something special in my reading books. Each book, from my very first novel "No family" to Nam Cao's short stories, gave me the inch. I loved the eureka moment when I understood those books in my very own sense. It could be
(1) Remi had such an unfortunate childhood that he was embraced by every person he met. He was raised with love by his foster mother Barberin, sold to a benevolent artist Vitalis only to witness his demise, grew in the love of the Acquins, accompanied by his fellow Mattia through hardships.
(2) How each character in Nam Cao's short stories struggled with reality, be it poverty, love, or knowledge
I rejoiced over the resonation with each character in my own special sense. But I learned that others feel the same resolution. Why was I different then?
In my debates and clubs, I have never been special. There are always debaters who are more determined, more passionate, and more willing to invest in their passion. There are club founders and presidents so passionate about their ideals that they could postpone or even abandon other goals. I was not one of those. I wanted to balance my time, I wanted books, academic excellence, debating expertise, an up-and-running club, free time to learn cooking, and family time.
But seeing many of my goals unrealized, I questioned myself. Am I on the right track? Am I worth the efforts, passion, time, disappointment, and myself? I could not answer. Yet, I may be special. There can be only one person with this name, this hobby, and these passions. Each factor is common but a combination is special.
I am among thousands of others who enjoy reading Nam Cao's short stories, thousands of debaters, and thousands of those with similar passions. But when I gave the cake to an old beggar, I was the only boy in the world who sensed love and gratitude in my neighborhood.
In answer to the question of worth it, I had no explanation. What does "it" in "worth it" mean? If "it" means love, I think I am. If "it" means happiness, I think I am. If "it" means excellence, I am not so sure. These days, more than ever, I felt self-doubt and melancholy more clearly than any other feelings. It would be great if after reading this post, you can say something that you find special in me. The rain has stopped, so I think it's worth it to try feeling the sky.
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